Your body takes the brunt of it. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t focus. Which eventually leads to a negative cycle of not being able to get stuff done which adds on to the constant negative thoughts.
It keeps piling on.
You want to relax. You want a break.
Plus you deserve a break, but it doesn’t come.
The thoughts, exhaustion, and heavy heart continue. It feels like it will never end.
You feel broken. You feel lost, alone, and helpless as you question whether things can be different.
You also question, why you?
What did you do to deserve this?
Your friends and family tell you that things are okay and they will get better. They simply don’t understand or don’t care to really listen.
They make you feel like you are over-reacting or exaggerating. You don’t feel validated or important, which only makes it worse.
They don’t get it.
You are left questioning who to turn to.
You want to feel heard and like somebody actually “get’s it”. You aren’t expecting them to fix it, you just want them to listen. You also want your feelings to be acknowledged and not pushed to the side.
But, you continue to feel alone.
So lonely to the point where you stop being honest with them about how you feel.
You stop talking. You stop asking for help. Instead you begin to create a mask.
At first this mask makes everything easy. You simply smile and nod and pretend.
You are finally the happy and bubbly person that people expect you to be. Everyone else around you is happy, so it is easy to blend in.
However, as time continues and as you continue to ignore the truth, the mask becomes harder and heavier to keep up.
In public you are one person, in private you become isolated and even more broken. Then, the cycle just starts over again.
Now you wonder how long you can keep this up. The constant up and downs make you lose sleep.
Which makes things even worse as you lose focus and confidence.
You know that what you want isn’t a lot to ask for. It is pretty simple, but getting there feels impossible and lonely. Not to mention scary.