The Kids Will Be Ok ... So Leave Them
- Jessica Jefferson
- Jun 11
- 5 min read
While the title sounds extreme, let me explain exactly what I mean. We are taught as women that motherhood is the ultimate goal. Our lives are to revolve around our children/family life and nothing else.
Now, there are women who identify with this message and thats ok.
No judgement as I understand that everyone makes their own decision.
The issue with this narrative is that not everyone believes in this ideology.
And that’s also ok too.
It is frustrating to hear the constant message that “good” mothers are always available, always needed, always emotionally and physically intertwined with their children. It is so f*cking annoying. Especially as it makes many mothers feel guilty for wanting space, hobbies, friendships, careers, solitude, or even just a quiet coffee alone.
I am not here to tell you which one is right or wrong. The purpose of this blog is to discuss what is beneficial for your mental health and the development of children.
Doing things without your children is not harmful to attachment/your bond ... it can actually strengthen it.
Also children don't associate healthy separation as rejection. Well, they can if it isn't something they are used to ... but over time they can realize that it is healthy. Which is why it is important to establish this foundation early. It can be one of the most important foundations of emotional development for both mother and child.
Secure Attachment Is Built Through Safety.
Not Constant Proximity
Many parents fear that time apart may damage the bond they have with their children. But child development research consistently shows that secure attachment is not created through perpetual closeness. It is created through consistency, responsiveness, and trust.
Children develop security when they learn:
Not matter what, my mom will come back
While I feel sad, I will still be ok
I can find safety with others, not just my mom
My mom enjoys things without me, but also enjoys time with me
Small, healthy separations teach children emotional resilience. Whether it’s staying with grandparents, spending time with their other parent, attending school, or simply playing independently while mom takes time for herself, children slowly learn an incredibly valuable life skill that they can tolerate temporary discomfort without panic. This is the beginning of self-soothing (and self-soothing is the MOST important lesson that kids can learn in early development).
Independence Is Not Taught Through Words.
It’s Modeled
Children do not become independent simply because we encourage independence. They become independent by experiencing it.
When mothers allow age-appropriate space between themselves and their children, they create opportunities for children to:
problem solve,
regulate emotions,
build confidence,
tolerate frustration,
develop autonomy,
and form other relationships with safe adults
Ironically, over-functioning for children can sometimes delay the very confidence we hope to build in them.
Children need opportunities to discover:“I can do hard things without mom fixing everything immediately.”
That realization becomes competence. Competence becomes confidence.
Again teaching children that they are capable can be an important learning lesson that builds over time. It is important to help foster a bond with your child that includes a healthy balance of openness, safety and independence.
Mothers Need an Identity Outside of Motherhood
Perhaps one of the least discussed parts of parenting is how psychologically consuming motherhood can become.
Many women slowly lose touch with:
friendships,
passions,
creativity,
movement,
ambition,
spirituality,
rest,
or simply who they were before becoming “mom.”
And while motherhood is deeply meaningful, no human being thrives when their entire identity exists in one role alone.
Mothers deserve lives that belong to them too.
Not because they love their children less, but because they are whole people.
Having interests, goals, routines, and relationships outside of motherhood supports maternal mental health in profound ways. It reduces burnout, resentment, emotional depletion, and identity loss. It also allows mothers to return to their children more emotionally present, patient, and fulfilled.
Children benefit when their mother is emotionally nourished.
In comparison, mothers who are burnt out can become resentful over time which can lead to contempt in later years. It may not be expressed directly towards their children (even though it can in some cases) but it can bleed into other areas.
Children Benefit From Seeing Their Mother as a Person
There is also something deeply healthy about children witnessing that their mother exists beyond caregiving.
When children see their mother:
maintain friendships,
pursue hobbies,
rest,
laugh,
create,
work toward goals,
or prioritize her wellbeing,
they learn an important lesson: Women are people, not just providers.
This shapes how children understand relationships, emotional boundaries, self-worth, and adulthood itself.
Daughters learn they do not have to disappear inside caregiving. Sons learn women are entitled to autonomy and individuality.
That is powerful modeling, something that most parents forget is vital. We can teach our children all that we know but they learn and take in information better when seen through their parents.
Think about it.
We either try to emulate our parents because we want/respect what we have seen growing up OR (the more common thing) is we try everything in our power to NOT repeat our patterns behavior
Healthy Attachment Includes Healthy Separation
Attachment and independence are not opposites. In fact, secure attachment is what makes independence possible.
A securely attached child eventually feels safe enough to explore the world because they trust connection remains available.
The goal of parenting is not emotional fusion. The goal is connection without enmeshment.
We are not raising children to need us forever.We are raising children who feel secure enough to function without us.
And mothers are allowed to remain human while helping them get there.
Final Thoughts
Doing things without your children does not make you selfish, in fact it can make you a healthy role model.
Taking space does not weaken attachment, it strengthens it.
Having needs does not make you a lesser mother, it makes you a better one. W
anting an identity outside of motherhood does not mean you are less devoted, it means you are devoted to being the best mom possible.
In many ways, it means you are modeling exactly what healthy adulthood looks like.
Children do not need mothers who erase themselves.They need mothers who show them what it means to live as a whole person ... connected, loving, and fully human.
Written by: Jessica Jefferson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Perinatal Mental Health Counselor and Owner of Cloud Nine Therapeutic Services. My passion is helping individuals through heartbreak, whether that is heartbreak with others or heartbreak within themselves. My goal is to be their guide on their journey to their self-discovery so that they can build the life and relationship they want. I am here for when you want to start your journey.
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